Tuesday, 24 January 2012

So guess who purged like a little bitch?

I just purged like crazy. Its horrible. Actually more then that, its horrific.
I warn anyone who reads this, DO NOT PURGE. 
My throat kills, head is pounding, nose is blocked (yes mucus seems to build like crazy when purging) and eyes are puffy. 
God I'm pathetic. I've only had the chance to try out my DVD's that one time. I've been cycling round like crazy trying to find a job, plus university - no luck on the job front because I'm crap, blatenly. 
Today in university, I was sitting there crafting this piece - and just thought "Why am I even here? I'm clearly not good enough". 
That thought isn't new, I constantly think about the inevitable - as in the most morbid end of the spectrum. 
I'm such a lie. An absolute lie, I make out I'm such a happy creature - but I'm not. People always say things like 'I want what she's on, your always crazy happy man!' - Ha! God. I'm nearly 22. 
I'm nearly 22! For gods sake, 22! I didn't think I'd ever purge, but I was lying in bed for like 25 minutes be for I just couldn't take it, my phone was about to die.. So I thought 'whilst I'm up I'll grab my spare toothbrush and vom'.
If anyone actually reads this, please don't purge. I beg you, its horrid - It defeats the point of the object, as in you don't lose weight. It slows down your metabolism, your body thinks its expelling more weight from vomming then it should so try's to keep as much fat as it can. Plus it fucks your teeth up, burns like hell, ruins your skin, can cause stomach rips, constipation etc. etc.
I'm an epic failure right now. 

I think another thing I must make clear, is that I'm blogging about my weight loss, because I want to lose weight to look 'pretty' and 'sexy'. No - I don't care how others perceive my body - I want to change my own opinion of my perception. I know this is all about control. 

All I can say is, tomorrow is a new day so I always look for the positive to start a new. Tomorrow I'm on like 900 cal? Like I said in a past post, I'm setting them as goals now. I'm now officially stopping all kinds of alcohol too, till mid february I'm thinking. I have a job trial tomorrow, in Subway - its cool I'm vegan remember, so I'm not bothered. 

But sorry about the rant and my idiot puring. I hope anyone who reads this is doing well. Hopefully I'll be up and able to do another fitness DVD in the morn and give everyone some feed back. Seriously though, I did it once it killed but in a good way! I felt my thighs and stomach muscles aching for two - three days after wards!
So yeah.. Rant over,
I'll make sure I update tomorrow with some sanity and reflection on my silly behaviour

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you mean about the control issue. thats exactly how it was for me. Actually i can relate to almost everything you wrote here except i used to purge through over exercising instead of throwing up. Hang in there, tomorrows a fresh start. Hope things get better for you. xx