Tuesday, 24 January 2012

So guess who purged like a little bitch?

I just purged like crazy. Its horrible. Actually more then that, its horrific.
I warn anyone who reads this, DO NOT PURGE. 
My throat kills, head is pounding, nose is blocked (yes mucus seems to build like crazy when purging) and eyes are puffy. 
God I'm pathetic. I've only had the chance to try out my DVD's that one time. I've been cycling round like crazy trying to find a job, plus university - no luck on the job front because I'm crap, blatenly. 
Today in university, I was sitting there crafting this piece - and just thought "Why am I even here? I'm clearly not good enough". 
That thought isn't new, I constantly think about the inevitable - as in the most morbid end of the spectrum. 
I'm such a lie. An absolute lie, I make out I'm such a happy creature - but I'm not. People always say things like 'I want what she's on, your always crazy happy man!' - Ha! God. I'm nearly 22. 
I'm nearly 22! For gods sake, 22! I didn't think I'd ever purge, but I was lying in bed for like 25 minutes be for I just couldn't take it, my phone was about to die.. So I thought 'whilst I'm up I'll grab my spare toothbrush and vom'.
If anyone actually reads this, please don't purge. I beg you, its horrid - It defeats the point of the object, as in you don't lose weight. It slows down your metabolism, your body thinks its expelling more weight from vomming then it should so try's to keep as much fat as it can. Plus it fucks your teeth up, burns like hell, ruins your skin, can cause stomach rips, constipation etc. etc.
I'm an epic failure right now. 

I think another thing I must make clear, is that I'm blogging about my weight loss, because I want to lose weight to look 'pretty' and 'sexy'. No - I don't care how others perceive my body - I want to change my own opinion of my perception. I know this is all about control. 

All I can say is, tomorrow is a new day so I always look for the positive to start a new. Tomorrow I'm on like 900 cal? Like I said in a past post, I'm setting them as goals now. I'm now officially stopping all kinds of alcohol too, till mid february I'm thinking. I have a job trial tomorrow, in Subway - its cool I'm vegan remember, so I'm not bothered. 

But sorry about the rant and my idiot puring. I hope anyone who reads this is doing well. Hopefully I'll be up and able to do another fitness DVD in the morn and give everyone some feed back. Seriously though, I did it once it killed but in a good way! I felt my thighs and stomach muscles aching for two - three days after wards!
So yeah.. Rant over,
I'll make sure I update tomorrow with some sanity and reflection on my silly behaviour

Friday, 20 January 2012

Banish fat, boot metabolism!

That was the one I started off with, oh my god.
Awsome, but was sweating so much!
Later if I get the chance I'm going to do '30 day shred' or something
And I'll update what I've had to eat, need to get back in to that.
Just been so hectic with my dissertation, but thats all handed in now, so no excuses!

Seriously, invest in that box set if you can guys!

Thursday, 19 January 2012


The box set came! The box set came! I rant to the door as I was getting ready for university.
I'm going to be the saddest person ever today, bail on my plans to try one out. I wish I could take the day off today but have so much to plow through. Totally feeling inspired though! 

Oh my god, which one do I choose first?!

Sunday, 15 January 2012

I just bought..


Jillian Michaels The Collection! Should be here by the end of the week, woo!

Refraining from purging.

The last few days have been shit.
I've not been counting my calories properly and I feel like shit.
I'm simply going to have to refrain from smoking any weed, munchies = binge which completely makes me want to purge everything!
I haven't even smoked any today but I've just been picking and think 'fuck it' which means I end up like this. I say refrain from purging, at one point I had my head over the toilet, so messed up. I can't go through a phase of purging again, it completely wrecked my teeth, skin and relationships around me. I became so paranoid and running out to waste so much money on food. At one point I remember running out really secretively to go buy loads of food then sat in my room like the pathetic fatty I am, scoffing it all down. Then puking it all back up or taking 20 laxatives. God, I'm hideous! Seriously, frantically running to the shops to by laxatives when it shuts in 5 minutes.
I can't go through that again. It got me no ware.
SO little wine, cry and rant over.
Back to the plan, except I'm going to cut down all carbs to a minimum and I'm banned from food shopping until all my food is gone. No taking bank card out with me either! Plus I'm going to start getting up super early to begin jogging again, taking it slow seeing as my knees aren't the best. Still sticking to the HSGD but setting them more as maximum calorie limits.
I think this isn't healthy, but feeling like this makes me want to purge. I can't go back to purging. Just, no.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Oh the weekend..

The past three days have been a little frustrating food wise simply due to the fact that I didn't calorie count because I wasn't able too. And after it all I don't want to for fear of the number! Right now I'm very glad I don't have scales.. I ended up going out for dinner with a friend on Saturday and had vegetable Ramen at Wagamamas, I didn't finish it all - but it had deep fried tofu! So probably nice and calorific. And then I let my self down again on Sunday. My friend payed for us to have breakfast and she got me a BIG one. Which wasn't that big to as what I thought it would be, but never the less you could just see the calories!

Yesterday I didn't well and didn't even have lunch, more of a liquid lunch, my friend bought me a pint. I'm hoping I had under 900 calories yesterday and for fear its over I'm not counting! So today goes as followed. I'm on an 800 cal day. 

1/2 Cup porridge, made with water - 62
1/2 Tbsp of Strawberry Jam - 25

1 Slice of toast (Nimble bread with spread) - 83
1/4 Pack of tofu, scrambled, spicey - 76
1/3 Red bell pepper - Roughly 10
1/2 Medium sized carrot - 15
1/2 Medium sized beetroot - 17.5
1 Vegan sausage - 101

Home made soup, recipe as follows:
1 Oxo cube - 15
1 Cup shredded cabbage - 21
3 Small tomatoes, diced - 48
2/3 Red Bell pepper, diced - Roughly 25
1 Medium sized carrot, diced - 30
Seasons to taste, add as much water as you like.
The whole thing works out at roughly 139 calories. 
So I had about 1 cup of it which I suppose with the quantity I made works out at like roughly 35 calories per cup? Crazy good! I Added quite a bit of water so it would stretch and then poured it over 1/3 a cup of cous cous which works out at roughly 66 calories
So all in all, dinner was only 101 calories.

2 Percy pigs - 50
4 Sweet chilli crackers - 84
1/2 Medium sized carrot - 15
1 Baked apple with a sprinkle of sugar - Roughly 40

3 Cups of Green tea 
4 Large Evian sized bottles of water 
2 Coffees with a level teaspoon of sugar - Roughly 48 

Friday, 6 January 2012

Day 5 - 950 Calories

1/2 cup Porridge oats (Made with water) - 62
1/2 Small banana - 45
2 Tbsp's 1% fat soy milk - Roughly 8 


1/4 Pack tofu scrambled, spicy - 76
1/2 Red bell pepper, (raw) - 16
1 Vegan sausage - 101
1 Slice of nimble bread with spread - Roughly 83

1/2 Cup cous cous (88) with half Oxo vegetable stock cube (7.5) - 95.5
1 Baked carrot, diced (no oil or spray) - 31
2 Cabbage leaves, boiled - 8
1/2 Cup peas - 41.6
1 Tsp of Vitalite - 35
1/2 Medium sized beetroot - 17.5
1/3 Red bell pepper (rawr) - 15

4 Veggie percy pigs - 100
4 Sweet chilli crackers - 84
1 After Eight - 33

5 Bottles of water (Large Evian sized bottle)
4 (or 5?) Cups of green tea

Total for today 851.6

Nearly a hundred calories under, woo-hoo!
Feeling really good about today and this week so far. I know its early days, but already I feel less bloated. And I haven't really had any cravings because I've been drinking the water and green tea when my stomach gets a bit grumbly. Plus letting my self have something sweet like a Veggie Percy Pig or After Eight really helps curb these things! And crackers, I adore crackers.