Tuesday, 24 January 2012

So guess who purged like a little bitch?

I just purged like crazy. Its horrible. Actually more then that, its horrific.
I warn anyone who reads this, DO NOT PURGE. 
My throat kills, head is pounding, nose is blocked (yes mucus seems to build like crazy when purging) and eyes are puffy. 
God I'm pathetic. I've only had the chance to try out my DVD's that one time. I've been cycling round like crazy trying to find a job, plus university - no luck on the job front because I'm crap, blatenly. 
Today in university, I was sitting there crafting this piece - and just thought "Why am I even here? I'm clearly not good enough". 
That thought isn't new, I constantly think about the inevitable - as in the most morbid end of the spectrum. 
I'm such a lie. An absolute lie, I make out I'm such a happy creature - but I'm not. People always say things like 'I want what she's on, your always crazy happy man!' - Ha! God. I'm nearly 22. 
I'm nearly 22! For gods sake, 22! I didn't think I'd ever purge, but I was lying in bed for like 25 minutes be for I just couldn't take it, my phone was about to die.. So I thought 'whilst I'm up I'll grab my spare toothbrush and vom'.
If anyone actually reads this, please don't purge. I beg you, its horrid - It defeats the point of the object, as in you don't lose weight. It slows down your metabolism, your body thinks its expelling more weight from vomming then it should so try's to keep as much fat as it can. Plus it fucks your teeth up, burns like hell, ruins your skin, can cause stomach rips, constipation etc. etc.
I'm an epic failure right now. 

I think another thing I must make clear, is that I'm blogging about my weight loss, because I want to lose weight to look 'pretty' and 'sexy'. No - I don't care how others perceive my body - I want to change my own opinion of my perception. I know this is all about control. 

All I can say is, tomorrow is a new day so I always look for the positive to start a new. Tomorrow I'm on like 900 cal? Like I said in a past post, I'm setting them as goals now. I'm now officially stopping all kinds of alcohol too, till mid february I'm thinking. I have a job trial tomorrow, in Subway - its cool I'm vegan remember, so I'm not bothered. 

But sorry about the rant and my idiot puring. I hope anyone who reads this is doing well. Hopefully I'll be up and able to do another fitness DVD in the morn and give everyone some feed back. Seriously though, I did it once it killed but in a good way! I felt my thighs and stomach muscles aching for two - three days after wards!
So yeah.. Rant over,
I'll make sure I update tomorrow with some sanity and reflection on my silly behaviour

Friday, 20 January 2012

Banish fat, boot metabolism!

That was the one I started off with, oh my god.
Awsome, but was sweating so much!
Later if I get the chance I'm going to do '30 day shred' or something
And I'll update what I've had to eat, need to get back in to that.
Just been so hectic with my dissertation, but thats all handed in now, so no excuses!

Seriously, invest in that box set if you can guys!

Thursday, 19 January 2012


The box set came! The box set came! I rant to the door as I was getting ready for university.
I'm going to be the saddest person ever today, bail on my plans to try one out. I wish I could take the day off today but have so much to plow through. Totally feeling inspired though! 

Oh my god, which one do I choose first?!

Sunday, 15 January 2012

I just bought..


Jillian Michaels The Collection! Should be here by the end of the week, woo!

Refraining from purging.

The last few days have been shit.
I've not been counting my calories properly and I feel like shit.
I'm simply going to have to refrain from smoking any weed, munchies = binge which completely makes me want to purge everything!
I haven't even smoked any today but I've just been picking and think 'fuck it' which means I end up like this. I say refrain from purging, at one point I had my head over the toilet, so messed up. I can't go through a phase of purging again, it completely wrecked my teeth, skin and relationships around me. I became so paranoid and running out to waste so much money on food. At one point I remember running out really secretively to go buy loads of food then sat in my room like the pathetic fatty I am, scoffing it all down. Then puking it all back up or taking 20 laxatives. God, I'm hideous! Seriously, frantically running to the shops to by laxatives when it shuts in 5 minutes.
I can't go through that again. It got me no ware.
SO little wine, cry and rant over.
Back to the plan, except I'm going to cut down all carbs to a minimum and I'm banned from food shopping until all my food is gone. No taking bank card out with me either! Plus I'm going to start getting up super early to begin jogging again, taking it slow seeing as my knees aren't the best. Still sticking to the HSGD but setting them more as maximum calorie limits.
I think this isn't healthy, but feeling like this makes me want to purge. I can't go back to purging. Just, no.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Oh the weekend..

The past three days have been a little frustrating food wise simply due to the fact that I didn't calorie count because I wasn't able too. And after it all I don't want to for fear of the number! Right now I'm very glad I don't have scales.. I ended up going out for dinner with a friend on Saturday and had vegetable Ramen at Wagamamas, I didn't finish it all - but it had deep fried tofu! So probably nice and calorific. And then I let my self down again on Sunday. My friend payed for us to have breakfast and she got me a BIG one. Which wasn't that big to as what I thought it would be, but never the less you could just see the calories!

Yesterday I didn't well and didn't even have lunch, more of a liquid lunch, my friend bought me a pint. I'm hoping I had under 900 calories yesterday and for fear its over I'm not counting! So today goes as followed. I'm on an 800 cal day. 

1/2 Cup porridge, made with water - 62
1/2 Tbsp of Strawberry Jam - 25

1 Slice of toast (Nimble bread with spread) - 83
1/4 Pack of tofu, scrambled, spicey - 76
1/3 Red bell pepper - Roughly 10
1/2 Medium sized carrot - 15
1/2 Medium sized beetroot - 17.5
1 Vegan sausage - 101

Home made soup, recipe as follows:
1 Oxo cube - 15
1 Cup shredded cabbage - 21
3 Small tomatoes, diced - 48
2/3 Red Bell pepper, diced - Roughly 25
1 Medium sized carrot, diced - 30
Seasons to taste, add as much water as you like.
The whole thing works out at roughly 139 calories. 
So I had about 1 cup of it which I suppose with the quantity I made works out at like roughly 35 calories per cup? Crazy good! I Added quite a bit of water so it would stretch and then poured it over 1/3 a cup of cous cous which works out at roughly 66 calories
So all in all, dinner was only 101 calories.

2 Percy pigs - 50
4 Sweet chilli crackers - 84
1/2 Medium sized carrot - 15
1 Baked apple with a sprinkle of sugar - Roughly 40

3 Cups of Green tea 
4 Large Evian sized bottles of water 
2 Coffees with a level teaspoon of sugar - Roughly 48 

Friday, 6 January 2012

Day 5 - 950 Calories

1/2 cup Porridge oats (Made with water) - 62
1/2 Small banana - 45
2 Tbsp's 1% fat soy milk - Roughly 8 


1/4 Pack tofu scrambled, spicy - 76
1/2 Red bell pepper, (raw) - 16
1 Vegan sausage - 101
1 Slice of nimble bread with spread - Roughly 83

1/2 Cup cous cous (88) with half Oxo vegetable stock cube (7.5) - 95.5
1 Baked carrot, diced (no oil or spray) - 31
2 Cabbage leaves, boiled - 8
1/2 Cup peas - 41.6
1 Tsp of Vitalite - 35
1/2 Medium sized beetroot - 17.5
1/3 Red bell pepper (rawr) - 15

4 Veggie percy pigs - 100
4 Sweet chilli crackers - 84
1 After Eight - 33

5 Bottles of water (Large Evian sized bottle)
4 (or 5?) Cups of green tea

Total for today 851.6

Nearly a hundred calories under, woo-hoo!
Feeling really good about today and this week so far. I know its early days, but already I feel less bloated. And I haven't really had any cravings because I've been drinking the water and green tea when my stomach gets a bit grumbly. Plus letting my self have something sweet like a Veggie Percy Pig or After Eight really helps curb these things! And crackers, I adore crackers. 

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Day 5 - 1000 Calories

1/2 cup Porridge oats (Made with water) - 62
1/2 Tbsp Strawberry Jam - Roughly 25
1/2 Small banana - 45
2 Tbsp's 1% fat soy milk - (Had to work this out as I couldn't find the answer through a search engine) Roughly 8 

2 Boiled baby potatoes - 140
1 Medium shredded carrot (raw) - 30
1/2 Cup peas - 41.6
3 Leaves shredded cabbage (raw) - 12
1 Beetroot diced - 35

3 Slices boiled polenta - 132
1/2 Red bell pepper, roasted (no oil or spray) - Roughly 16 
1/2 Cup peas - 41.6
1 Medium carrot, dice and roast (no oil or spray) - 31
3 Leaves of cabbage, shredded - 12

4 Veggie Percy Pigs - 100
2 Slices of toasted nimble bread with marmite - 150
1 After eight - 33

1 Coffee with 4 tbsp 1% fat soy milk - Roughly 18 
5 Cups of green tea
1 tbsp Marmite with hot water - 20 
5 Glasses of water 

Links I've been using to help me find how many calories are in what I'm eating:

  • http://powertochange.com/life/oats
  • http://www.fatsecret.com/
  • http://calorielab.com/foods/peas/157
  • http://caloriecount.about.com/calories-marmite-i75253

Todays total 953.8
47.2 Calories under, not bad.

Today I'm taking thinspiration from Lana Del Ray, she is absolutely gorgeous!

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Day 3 - 900 Calories

Porridge with water - 98
1/4 Cup soy - 31
129 Cal

Late Lunch
3 Slices baked polenta, spicy - 132
3 Leaves of cabbage, shredded - 12
1 Medium sized carrot, shredded (Raw) - Roughly 30 
1 Beetroot, diced - 35
Couple of splashes of dark soy sauce - Roughly 20
229 Cal

No dinner

4 Veggie percy pigs - 100 
1 Medium banana - 105
Fox's fruite sweet - 20

6 Cups of green tea
7 glasses of water
Gin & Tonic - 120

Total for the day 708 Calories

I didn't bother having dinner today because I'm back at university now, and my friend came to see me. She suggested we could go the pub or out for dinner, so I said I'd just eaten. 192 calories under! 

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Day 2 - 800 Calories

Porridge with water - 98
1/4 Cup soy milk - 31
129 cal

Late Lunch
1/4 Pack of tofu scrambled with chilli flakes - Roughly 76 cal
5 sprays of one Cal spray - 5
4 Large garlic stuffed olives - 48
1 Medium red tomato (raw) - 22
1/3 Red peper (raw) - 15
1 slice of white bread - 83 
249 cal

Supper (seeing as I had a late lunch)
2 slices of white bread -166 , toasted with Marmite - Roughly 54
220 cal

2 Chilli cracker - 42
2 Large raw garlic stuffed olives - 24 
1 Medium banana - 105
1 After Eight - 33
201 cal

2 Cups of green tea
5 Glasses of water

So with the 800 calorie days, instead of having lunch and dinner I think its probably better if I have a later lunch that usual and then just have supper instead of a dinner. And between Breakfast and Lunch I'll just snack a little and drink green tea. I was going to have a bigger supper then that but didn't realise the 100 calorie difference really does make an actual difference in what size meal I can have. But thats for the best.
Today I haven't been that hungry anyway as I haven't been that active, I've finished temping for the Christmas period and I just had some packing and tidying to do for my train back to University tomorrow, which I'm very excited about! Seeing as I haven't actually put on any weight over the Christmas period.. I am exactly the same weight as when I weighed my self in early december. When I woke up this morning I was actually hungry, which felt good.

What I'm really going to concentrate on over the next few weeks is learning to say no to things like junk foods, no more chips! And if I end up going the corner shop or something for munchies, I'll just get fruit or dried fruits or just actually not anything at all. 

Whats really satisfying right now, is the fact I really feel I can do this. 

Monday, 2 January 2012

New year. New start.

I've been here be for, with a blog and on the path to losing weight yet I completely failed at it. I lost half a stone and then just caved and its all back on! Such a failure. But alas, here I am a year has passed and I'm looking at it all with fresh perspective! No more purging or laxatives. I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to restrict and prove to my-self I can do this. 

On the 1st of January 2012 my CW weighed in at a disgusting 140 lbs
I measured in at;
Back = 31"
Stomach = 36"
L.Arm = 10"
R.Arm = 10 1/2"
L.Leg = 22 1/2"
R.Leg= 22"
My GW ideally is 100 Ibs - 110 Ibs
My CGW is 130 by January the 31st. 
Do-able? I definitely think so. 

I'm starting off by doing the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet (HSGD) 
Instead of restricting my self to something like the ABC diet straight away, I came across this on tumblr.com and realised this is what I should of done first all along. Something that isn't so restrictive that I clearly wont stick to it with out binging. So It basically goes like this;

Day 1= 900                       Day 16= 800
Day 2= 800                       Day 17= 900
Day 3= 900                       Day 18= 950
Day 4= 1000                     Day 19= 1000
Day 5= 950                       Day 20= 1150
Day 6= 1100                     Day 21= 1150
Day 7= 1100                     Day 22= 900
Day 8= 900                       Day 23= 800
Day 9= 800                       Day 24= 950
Day 10= 900                     Day 25= 1000
Day 11= 1000                   Day 26= 950
Day 12= 950                     Day 27= 1100
Day 13= 1100                   Day 28= 1150
Day 14= 1150                   Day 29= 900
Day 15= 900                     Day 30= 900

So its similar to the ABC diet in a way, but not so restrictive I'll clearly fail after a week. 
I'm also a vegan and have been for 8 or 9 months now, be for that I was a vegetarian for 5 years, nothing to do with weight loss simply moral grounds and my body feels so much healthier with out the animal products. But yes anyway.. So heres todays food in take;

1 Medium Banana - 105
1 Porridge Sachet - 98
1/2 Cup Soy milk - 63.5
Only ate half though - 133.25 cal

3 slice tofu scrambled with chilli flakes - Roughly 70
5 sprays 1 cal spray - 5 cal
1/2 small Red onion (Raw) 14.5
1/3 Red pepper (Raw) 15
1 slice white bread 80
1 medium tomato (Raw) 22
206.5 cal

1/2 cup boiled potato - 68
1 teaspoon Vitalite - 35
1 cup shredded green cabbage - 17
6 baked broccoli heads 24
5 sprays 1 cal spray - 5 cal
2 Vegan sausage's - 202
351 cal

1 large green olive stuff with clove of raw garlic - 12 cal
3 after eights 102 cal
2 chilli crackers - 42 cal

1 cup green tea - 0 cal
8 glasses of water - 0 cal

Total for the day: 847 calories

So I was 53 calories under! Yes! Starting with something like the HSGD, for me personally, is great because its achievable and I was hardly hungry all day. Drinking lots of water helped though, I found this amazing tip yesterday on how to help make sure you get your 8 glasses of water a day:
Ware eight elastic bands and each time you drink a glass of water take one off!

"Really? Elastic bands?!" I know, seems a bit weird. But it completely helped me, when I came home from work, instead of putting them in my pocket I just put the 4 I'd taken off on to my right hand, meaning I had 4 left to go on my left. I'm sat here typing with all eight on my right. You wouldn't just have to use elastic bands either, try a few bracelets or something, bobbles, anything really as long as its useful and reminding you to drink that water!

I think there is also a misconception with the amount of water people drink too, I read a lot of 'Drink as much as possible, loads, loads, loads!' Drinking too much water can actually drown you. http://drbenkim.com/drink-too-much-water-dangerous.html Bizzare, but true. 

So thats me for today. 
Tomorrow I'll do some updating and upload some of my favourite thinspirational images.